Family Connection

I am going to discuss our birth families. They lay our foundation, the blueprints of ourselves. It creates a lens through which we see and interact. At birth, a child has 25% neurological wiring. The way your parents interacted/connected with you as a child is the way you will connect with others throughout your life because it is hardwired – cradle to grave. This is also the way you connect to God. By the time a child is 1-2 years old, they are already in the connection style of their caregivers.     

We give our children what we know and understand and what we have not resolved - our stuck places or negative belief patterns. I am not good enough, I have to be perfect to please you. This tension lives in our bodies and helps to hold the stuckness of our beliefs. It is the gift that keeps on giving generationally. We break these patterns by becoming aware of them and, with courage facing fears. These styles have been studied for many years and were founded in the 1950s known as Attachment styles, and are true of human connection cross-culturally. There are 4 types – secure, insecure distant, insecure, anxious, and insecure chaotic. 

In secure attachment, a person will like themselves and others. They will set healthy boundaries and can listen to others in a non-judgmental way. They are comfortable with emotional expression and speak in clear ways. Children with these types of parents feel seen, heard, and understood about 47% of the time. They received the click of connection.

Secure Leader: Has humility and is a good listener. Encourages growth in others. Understands their own strengths and weaknesses. Is self-aware and can tune into the emotional state of others. Feels the love of God and can trust. Families would say, “My Dad/Mom are there for me, and when they are not, I can let them know, and then they will be.”

The other attachment styles are known as insecure attachment because individuals in these families will feel not seen, heard, or understood by their parents to some degree. The parent will often have two sides to them. A nice side and a not emotionally available side, or a nice side and a too emotionally scary side. This creates fear, lack of trust, stuckness, negative beliefs, and insecurity. The blind spot is that the parental dynamics are internalized, and because they are unhealed have opportunities to be passed down generationally (someone has to do the work in therapy for the patterns to end - requires self-awareness) or played out in dual and multiple relationships - which the church has many of.  

Insecure distant families will move away from emotions. They will turn down emotions. When the child cries, the parent may ignore the crying, shame the child - stop crying, you big baby; or threaten to hit the child so they have something to cry about. This individual becomes an adult who will ignore their own emotions or not tune into the emotions of others.

Avoidant Leader: Is seen as strong and confident. Prefers to solve problems on their own. Prefers staff that can work independently. Will be critical and judgemental of others. Avoid the emotional needs of others. This person may have trouble connecting emotionally with God - will feel shame and want to perform for God to earn his love. Family may say, “the church gets my Dad’s(Mom’s) attention and care, but he(she) does not have time for us or is not mentally with us when he(she) is home.”

Insecure, anxious families move toward emotional expression and intensity. They turn up emotions. This parent will over-impose their needs or desires on a child, not noticing if the child is distressed or not. “It’s all about them; this person is demanding or needy” is a common phrase used to describe someone with this attachment style. This person could be a people pleaser, struggle to set boundaries, and will be sensitive to the well-being of others. Does not like to be alone.

Anxious Leader: Sensitive to how emotionally available their staff is to them and their needs. Will be fearful of criticism and not feeling good enough. Will want to lead with team approval. Will be seen as nice to some staff and may be scary for others to approach. Families may say, “the church gets the nice side; we get the scary side.”

Insecure chaotic is a combination of the two above and is often found in abusive environments - physically, verbally, and sexually.                         

Individuals with insecure attachment styles:

30% less accuracy in tuning into others’ emotional states - assume they know what others are thinking and meaning without checking to see if they are right.

Have less knowledge of what a healthy connection looks like.

Only 25% with insecure attachment find a healthy partner to connect with - which continues the generational patterns. 

Limited emotional regulation skills and communication skills - can get angry quickly or will become silent or leave the room when upset. I am not the problem; they are.

Blind spots - Negative expression of our unhealed wounds on our marriages, children, and staff.

Family and staff are too afraid to tell you the truth about your scary or unavailable side of you.  Or you are not available to listen when they try to talk to you.

- late bloomer effect - The wounds of not feeling seen, heard, or understood causes individuals to mature later in life, 30, 40, and 50 years old, to feel settled as an adult - to find their voice and to come into their own strength. Will affect your congregation to be slower to mature spiritually

I attract who I am, and I pass on who I am - what I know and what is not resolved.

We play out unresolved stories to find a resolution, but we are missing the key. It was not given to us by our parents – our blind spots keep us blind - Please work through your negative beliefs about yourself and your wounds. You will grow faster in God, your relationships will be better, and your ministry will grow.