How To Be A Spiritual Mother, Father, Daughter or Son: Building Healthy Mentor Relationships
By Kate Smith
“Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.” 1 Corinthians 11:1 (NIV_
The journey of sonship is one of the primary things that prepared Duncan and me to lead the Catch The Fire movement. We’ve learned to live as a son and daughter of our loving heavenly Father and walk as a spiritual son and daughter to the leaders God has put in our lives.
Some people avoid the relationship of spiritual mothers and fathers because of fear of control or manipulation. But when it functions healthily, this relationship is truly a gift from God for our growth and health as believers.
So, how can you develop positive, Godly relationships with the spiritual parents or spiritual children in your life?
Start With Your Own Sonship Journey
In 2001, when Duncan and I first came to Toronto, we began to learn about sonship through Jack Frost’s teaching on the Father heart of God. We began to realize why we struggled in previous churches back in the UK, where we were responding with orphan tendencies. We remembered times that we didn’t get our way or things weren’t working out, and we’d wanted to run away, to avoid working it through with our leaders.
In the sonship journey, receiving God’s fatherly love heals the wounds from past parent and leader relationships. He loves us and disciplines us into mature sons and daughters that are able to submit and learn from the leaders in our lives. Healthy sons and daughters also make healthy, loving spiritual parents.
Let People Lead You
God puts people in our lives to bless us, lead us, and spiritually parent us. But we have to let them in. John and Carol Arnott have played a pivotal role as spiritual parents in our lives, alongside others. We opened up our hearts to receive from them and let them speak into our lives.
Until you are willing to see that there are people in your life that are a gift to you, a voice of God to you, then you won’t necessarily allow them to father you.
“God puts people in our lives to bless us, lead us, and spiritually parent us. But we have to let them in.”
Paul says in 1 Corinthians 4:15a “For though you might have ten thousand instructors in Christ, yet you do not have many fathers.” (NKJV) Some of the people who influence you will be spiritual parents, but we also have spiritual heroes and advisors that help us on our journeys. Those people inspire us from a distance, but we also need people who are close to our lives who can help guide us in life with God.
Live Life Together
True spiritual parents are people that we do life with—they’re with us for the good and bad days. Natural parents change diapers, get up in the night, discipline, and also celebrate their children. In the same way, spiritual parents walk with you through the issues of your heart. In tragedy or triumph, they’re there for you and will pray for you.
We’ve walked with John and Carol for 20 years. We’ve made many mistakes along the way, we didn’t get it perfect, but we have a secure enough relationship that we learned to talk through our differences and seek to understand each other. We were able to receive John and Carol’s love and correction in the way it was intended because we allowed God to work in our hearts at the same time.
Become a Disciple
Discipleship happens in a variety of relationships, sometimes where a mentor is in our lives for a season, but with spiritual parents, it’s a long-term thing.
Discipleship is where we open up our lives that we might become more Christ-like. Those who disciple us help us grow in understanding the Word, who God is, and the application of that in our lives. We share how we really live—the state of our relationships, how we deal with sin, how we approach our finances. It’s a vulnerable process, but spiritual fathers and mothers can help you come to a place where you’re willing to let go of the defenses to be seen as you are.
Avoid the Pitfall of Control
Some Christian movements have been heavily criticized for leaders controlling every move of the people they were leading—even down to how they decorate their homes! This is clearly not the way Kingdom relationships are supposed to work.
I believe the way we avoid this is by understanding that everyone is powerful in Jesus Christ. Each of us can hear His voice, know His will, and is smart enough to work out the right solutions because the Spirit of God is in us. As leaders, we guide people toward Kingdom living, encouraging them to take responsibility for their own lives and actions, inspiring them to seek God, and facilitating them in their journey.
As spiritual parents, we take a risk when we choose to invest and love others. We’re encouraging them to make their own decisions and accept the consequences of those choices, and sometimes that can hurt. But, as Kris Vallotton has said, we need to remember that Jesus created an environment where Judas emerged because he had his own free choice. We must never force others into decisions or take false responsibility for their choices.
Mature People: Ask God Who to Pour Into
I love the story of Naomi and Ruth. Ruth committed herself to Naomi: “Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.” (Ruth 1:16 NIV). They had a heart-level bond and allegiance to one another. Naomi protected Ruth and made a place for her in her family.
This is a powerful demonstration of how mature believers can make themselves available to father and mother younger women and men. Those of us that are mature (not necessarily in age, but in our faith) need to ask God who to pour into, who to open our families to. Duncan and I have had different people live with us at times as we’ve helped them grow in the Lord and in confidence. It’s a rich experience on both sides.
Daughters and Sons: Be Present
Many people, regardless of age, long for spiritual fathers and mothers. If that’s you, I want you to ask yourself: am I willing?
Are you willing for somebody to speak into your life, to bring discipline and correction? You’ve got to choose to be present, to open up your life to those around you.
In a church context, that starts with showing up to a midweek group and, as you get to know people, inviting them to speak into your life. Share what’s going on with you, and pursue relationship with leaders.
It’s as simple as inviting them for coffee and asking about their life; what they did at your stage or situation, how God has helped them overcome challenges. Humbly and honestly ask questions, and a relationship will begin to develop.
Allow God to Father You
Wherever you are in your experience of spiritual sons and daughters, my biggest appeal to you is to first allow God to come and father you. We need his perfect parenting, especially where there has been a lack in our own experiences with parents, leaders, and those in authority. Invite Him to show you the lenses through which you’re seeing Him as authoritarian, an angry father, or unsafe. We all need to allow Him to change our perspective so that we can become the best sons and daughters to Him, and brothers and sisters in the body of Christ.
For more from Duncan and Kate, listen to their Podcast, Into the Fire.
In episode five, Duncan discusses being a Man of God with his spiritual father, John Arnott, and one of his spiritual sons, Andrew Boersma.
